No wedding ever.

Relieve your friendly and familiar obligation to me with gift purchases. As the worlds most austere and joyless person I have not had a birthday party since I was 18. I will not force you to go to a wedding or a baby shower for as long as I live. This is my solemn promise to you. However, at this point in my life, I need a tea pot and a Bunnings gift card. Thank you.